I hate celebrating christmas at a place other than my place.

I hate celebrating christmas at a place other than my place. This happens every year. 

My birthday is on the 22nd and I received through some divine luck, a Wii Fit. 

I have read the box over and over and I believe I can recite for you the warning label if you wish. It has something to do with making sure you are under 300 pounds. And you have to look like this family with an incredibly gay dad.

Which is ironic because it is made to get people in shape but apparently only for people who are slightly out of shape...none of dem fatties. 

The problem I have is, I did not bring my Nintendo Wii out to California with me. Instead that beautiful white instrument sits alone in a cold apartment with dust settling on top. 

Every year I get a game or something for my console and I always forget to bring my console with me. 

I hate celebrating christmas at a place other than my place. 

Happy 22nd Birthday Steve ...

This is the third image that pops up when you search "fish hands" in google image search.

This is the fifth image the pops up when you search "bacteria fingers"

This is the fourth image that pops up when you type in "Turnip Dancer" 

This is the birthday present to myself.

My Cat, My Lover

...I find my kitten on her back with eyes gleaming at me as if to say, if I were human, I would be your lover.

I have pondered what DJ Tanner would look like if she were human. 

No. 

She would not look like the actual Deej. That is too simple and their personalities simply do not match. 

No. DJ is very furry and so modern. Not so 80's. so that needs to match better.

Hmm, I'm getting closer, but lets think about the actual DJ and her real life qualities. She does not like to be on or really near people.

1.  She is fine being gazed upon but does not like to be touched. 

2. She has a small head and often appears to be more retarded than the average cat. 

3. She licks herself.

So google image search. I have typed in the requirements so lets see what lucky lady rolls out

drum roll

.....

...

..

.

MISS DJ TANNER

Now that's my girl. 

That is someone I can go home to at night and know that i have made a good life decision. 

That is someone i can chase under the bed and catch coughing up hairballs.

That is my lover.

It's Always Sunny in ... my apartment.

Ok, I admit it. I have a problem. 

You know those people who find that one song they love and they just keep playing it on repeat over and over. I am not that person. But I have a very similar problem.

If I find a TV show that has one good episode, I will buy every single episode and finish it in ... about two days. The issue is, because life can be pathetic, I will literally be depressed when it is over. As if these actors have actually affected my life. Something a 2 dimensional box has shown me using lights and thousands of tiny mirrors, has actually affected my mood. Shit thats sad. 

However, this is not the problem.

The problem is, through my depression, I re-watch every episode about 20-30 times over the course of the next month in hopes that my depression will somehow end. I would be lying if I said I never got teary eyed at the last episode of Arrested Development. 

TV is like a girlfriend to me. It starts out and it's great. Oh boy is it good. Then by about the second month it really starts to kick into high gear. Sex starts to get a shit ton better now that I am a lot less awkward with my penis. (ew.) (Season 2 starts now) And then it gets bettter (season 3) ...and better (4) ...and better (5)...and then with out warning whatsoever she fucking takes off. (i.e. the show finale) 

Now all I am left with are the memories. The reruns. This shitty box of all the things she forgot to take back. It's nice to look at it in the beginning. After a while though you only look back at the stuff once every six months or so. Then only when you are moving. And then, you accidently throw it out mistaking it for that old Sega Genesis that doesn't work anymore but you hung onto it for ten years just because. Now, your only memories are when people bring up the name and you say, oh yeah I remember that time.... 

So I ask you "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia", when will you be leaving me?

So I ask you "The Office", when will you be leaving me?

So I ask you "30 Rock", when will you be leaving me?

So I ask you "Yes, Dear", when will you be leaving me?

God, I watch too much TV.

I hate the following people

Many people have affected the world in a positive way. Many people have affected the world in a negative way. This post is not for them. This post is for the people that have no purpose on this earth. The people that could have very well not existed should be reading this post. 

People I hate and the reasons why:

1. Cool Marty: I met Cool Marty yesterday at the beach. He was playing frisbee and seemed like a jack ass from the start. I hopped in on the game and he introduced himself. I said, "Oh, Can I just call you Marty?" 

He looked upset and said, "No, it's Cool Marty". 

"Is that because you guys know a lot of Marty's?"

More upset, "No. Why is it an issue for you to think I'm cool? It's what I'm called, so call me it!"

Marty and I, I'm sorry, Cool Marty and I did not get off to a good start needless to say. There were four of us and he never once threw the frisbee to me. I did notice that his two friends (both clearly in denial that they are no longer high school football players) called him Cool Marty. 

If someone were to ask me, "Steve, who is the one person you have met in your life that you are certain will amount to nothing?" 

I would answer quickly, "Cool Marty." 

"But why Steve?"

"Because he is Cool Marty."

2. Coach (Not to be named due to some recent complaints by the school): My high school Golf coach (also the football coach) clearly did not understand the game of golf. Being the Captain of my team, he expected me to always be perfect. I missed the green on a short par 3 in the middle of the round once. He told everyone else to go ahead. His face turned bright red like always and he gripped the plastic steering wheel on his tope colored golf cart. I then received a ten minute speech about how I am the biggest fag, pussy, and piece of shit he has ever met. (Jokes on him because I am having a two year anniversary of my bisexualness at my apartment. So I am only half fag.) He then made me do 500 straight push-ups and threw a club in my hand. My hands shook as I grazed the ball into the sand trap. He spat at the ground and said, "No surprise with the way you play." \

Ass Wipe.

3. The lead singer for Crazy Town: Remember that song "Butterfly". Yeah, fuck him.

4. Everyone on EBay: I have been waiting my whole life to cash in on my Baseball, Football, Hockey, and Basketball cards. I checked Ebay to see the price of my rarest signed cards. Guess what they are worth...Jack shit. I might get ten dollars off the whole collection. There goes my boyhood get rich quick scheme. I feel like a regular old Cool Marty.

Romeo and Juliet...

A Love Forbidden

An Adaptation of a True Story

Casting:

 

Romeo: Steve

Juliet: Dave

Lercido: Dorian 

Mercucio: James B. 

ACT I

Romeo woke up. He was bitter again. This feeling often wakes him. He was...alone. Always. Since...

He got in his car. It was a vintage '03 Honda Element. It had a drivers side armrest and a radio. No luxury is too great for Romeo. He often stays up at night thinking of purchases he can make the following day. Today he was going to buy a shower radio. AM and FM. Again, money meant nothing to Romeo. As he drove, his cellular phone rang. "I wish you would step back from that..." played through out the car. He answered. It was his boss,  friend, and associate Lercido. Lercido spoke quickly.

"He did it again."

"Lercido, slow down. Who did what?" Romeo questioned.

"Mercucio. That son of a bitch is suing me. I call a hex upon all of Los Angeles improv!" Lercido said this triumphantly. One could almost hear "Jump" in the background. It was a proud moment for Lercido. 

Romeo was stunned, for he knew that his love, his one, Juliet, was a premier LA improviser. "Lercido, let me try to call Mercucio. I'm sure it is a misunderstanding," Romeo said with a bluetooth in his ear. 

"No. This time...it is war. We will not speak of LA (war drums sound) we will not speak of Mercucio, and we will most certainly never allow contact with any of Mercucio's associates."

Romeo's iPhone fell to the plastic floor of his car. He knew at this moment he must give up everything he has become, everything he has worked for, everything of value...for Juliet. 

ACT II

Coming Soon

Chris Chambers

Alright...I know this video is faked, but it still made me very happy this morning. I wish I had mad ballin' skills. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QEKlzwi_G5Y

You Win

For years, I have found the olympics boring. I could not get myself into watching something that seemed so, meaningless. I love sports. Nothing against that. What bothers me is the stupidity of the sports they choose. Shooting skeets? Really? I swear Men and Women's fishing will be added next time along with children's domino assembly. I think kids from Amsterdam would win. They can probably think up some ridiculous tracks. However they will get disqualified for doping. 

The Opening Ceremony, yes, it was awesome. No doubt about it. I almost found myself wishing I was from China and somehow was inundated into that culture. It was as if we were all seven again and bright colors are like acid trips. Ooooh is that yellow? OMG, people wearing orange! Disneyland now feels like my Grandma's backyard. By the way, all she has are hummingbird feeders out there. 

The part that reminded me of how wonderfully interesting the olympics are though was when the Iraqi flag holder got to say what his sport is. Every flag holder of each nation gets a second to say what sport they are personally competing in. The gentleman from Iraq? Shooting...yes.  If only they got to say their favorite hobby too. It would only take a few more words for him to say...at the Americans. The man might as well as said he was competing in Suicide Bombing. That's the thing about that though, you can't really practice. You see, when you practice, well, you're sort of disqualified from competing, but by your own decision. 

I don't watch the Olympics and only witnessed that wonderful display of country pride because of fluke circumstances of being drunk...at home...alone. Ok, not that fluke. But after witnessing the amazing 4x100 Freestyle Relay last night, I actually am in love with this whole thing. For those of you who do not know, not only did the winner set a new world record, but even 5th place broke the old record. It was incredible. The real story of course is the French. They were taunting the Americans all night saying, "We will crush you" very openly. Well with half a lap left, we were a full body length behind, but at the end of the race we won by 800ths of a second. It was the greatest comeback I have ever witnessed. And yes, that includes real sports, like football.

That made me want to watch. But let's get real for a moment. After having many interactions with other people outside of the internet and making drunk calls to my brother at 4 in the morning complaining about the Manny Ramirez trade, I have found many people are watching the Olympics religiously and Tivo-ing most of it. I don't understand. There will probably be three to four jaw dropping moments in the Olympics this year. All of which will be replayed and heavily televised. That's all their is to watch. Not the 36,000 some odd hours of TV that NBC is broadcasting. Who gives a shit who can row a canoe better. I did it in boy scouts and let me tell you, it's not that hard. 

China sould be good at CD's and things. They make a lot of them and well, anyone can press the play button. After every ceremony the gold medalists national anthem is played. It's not like its a live orchestra though. Its a CD that is played through the speakers.  Well, Michael Phelps' first gold medal ceremony of the '08 olympics was...interesting. First, they start 5 seconds into the song, then, the do a poor job of restarting it, and it ends a line to short. The crowd didn't even know how to react. Unfortunatly due to copyright infringement, I can only find the audio of this. Trust me it is worth a listen and is only about 1:30 long.  

I am not going to claim foul play like others, but come on. How did they fuck it up three times in one song? It's not like we are Croatia. Its not like we aren't going to win one medal this year. The US anthem should be one of the easiest to get ready and play. Did I also mention that George W was in attendance? Possible Chinese motivation? It is a country that put deadly chemicals in the air of Beijing a month before to get rid of smog. They aren't the most ethical so don't put it past them. Did I mention they hate us?

Live strong on your couches Olympic Fans, I will choose to not waste my time and instead just watch the good stuff that ESPN decides is worth while for me. Thank god for ESPN.

History is bull. (Wow i already regret saying that)

I have heard the statement, "History repeats itself" like 400 times. I first heard it from my mom as an impressionable youth and instantly thought, wow, she is a genius. 

How wrong I was. 

All that statement really says is the following: Every so often people argue and something bad happens. Like a war, or economy dropping off the face of the earth. 

OH MY GOSH STEVE YOU ARE RIGHT! History is repeating itself! We were in a war with somebody about 30 years ago and now its happened again! Big whoop. 

This blog...(I really dislike that word for some reason)...(It's because it sounds like a wave of fog that some how is covered in vomit and I'm stuck right in the middle)...(Man, it would suck if that happened to me)...(Imagine, being stuck in a billowy clod of vomit)...(It would be like the New Years Party at Dave and Busters)...(Yea I went to Dave and Busters for New Years)...(I bet you're life is depressing too so stop laughing at me)...is aimed at taking down all of the social terms and processes that we take for fact for some reason and just showing how truly foolish we are for doing them. 

So I guess what I'm trying to say is, the best way to look at our future is not to look at our past. (Damn, I did not mean for this to get "real" I feel like a Tween before the big eighth grade dance)